Hey beautiful people,
So not just over the past few months but coming up to a year now I've been moving on from the first love of my life. This is something all of us one day have to do and it's not easy, nor is a just a first love - it's a bumpy ride but one that changes and shapes us for our next.
My first love is one that taught me so much, it's one I'll never forget and one I don't ever want to experience again; so here is the story to my last first love...
I met him around 8 years ago now during my first year of high school; we were in some of the same classes and for a year we developed a close friendship. Then we developed stronger feelings for each other but it wasn't like the movies that we all love, it was rocky, emotionally and mentally draining at times- it was difficult. I'm not going to go into specifics but it was a relationship that I wouldn't wish on anyone, it destroyed me. He tore me apart and ruined everything that I stood for and slowly I became a girl that I had always said I didn't want to be. I became the girl that let a guy walk all over me, I worshipped the ground he walked on and I was completely and utterly in love with him - so much so that it took me seven years to realise what he had done to me.
So for seven years we were on and off and on and off again with each other, it was like a constant cycle that I slowly started to find myself trapped in. It was like he was all I could see and all that I wanted, I was willing to do everything and anything to make this 'relationship' work. For a period of time I felt like I was his dirty little secrete, he didn't want anyone to know about us, so we wasn't aloud to tell anyone. In those times it was even harder, I couldn't go to my best friend openly talk to her about it and growing up that was such a hard thing to keep to myself, there are countless times when I almost slipped up. In the times that I was in fact his dirty little secrete, I hated as anyone would and as you could only imagine, those were the toughest of times - it made me feel like he was embarrassed of me and that there were things about me that he didn't like, growing up and becoming a teenager that really affected me in everything that I did; it made me expectationally insecure and something I'm only just getting over.
The other thing that really had an effect on me was the fact that he'd say things that weren't nice at all but he'd pass them of as just a 'joke' only to me they weren't funny, that just added to my insecurities and only confirmed everything that I was thinking in my head; that he didn't like me, that I wasn't good enough, that no matter what I did - I never would be good enough. Although this was happening I still was completely in love with him, I couldn't help it, it was like he was my drug and I was addicted to every part of him and everything he said or did to me.
During the last 'on' period of our 'relationship' there's a day and a conversation that I had with my mum that I'll never forget, she's the only person that really witnessed our relationship, the thing she said to me that sticks in my mind every time I think of us, was that she said:
"Is he really worth it, he comes over once and then we never see him again for a while. Why do you bother with him? He seems a waste of time."
All I did was laugh, shrug it off and say:
"Yeah, you don't understand."
Only looking back I see that she's my mum, she knew and she understood. The other time I'll never forget is the day I realised that he didn't love me any more, we were stood in my living room, he was about to leave, he gave me a hug and I looked up at him and looking back on it I now see it but at the time I didn't have a clue or I did, I just chose to not see it. I saw in his eyes that when he looked at me they weren't the same as when I looked at him, there wasn't love not the same kind anyway; I now know that I don't think he ever loved me and for that I feel so stupid.
Realising that he didn't love me didn't happen straight away, when I look back on that day it wasn't the last time I ever spoke to him, that day happened and like I said I didn't see it at first, we continued our cycle for another two or three years before I woke up and realised it, it was like it hit me, I thought back to that day, and then I saw it...
I've moved away from home, I've deleted his number and I haven't seen him in months, moving on hasn't been easy there are days when all I want to do is speak to him, tell him what I've been doing, or I'll see something that I know he'll find funny or I'll see his favourite film on on the tv, I'll just think of him but that's life, those things are going to happen, it won't be easy and it won't happen over night but I promise that it does get easier; the pain and the hurting won't hurt so bad, it'll still be there and it will hurt but it'll be the kind of pain that you can live with, it won't affect you like it did at first.
I know that I'll always love him, he was my first love, something I'll never forget but I know that I'm ready, I'm finally ready for love again whenever it happens and I finally feel like I've got control back. He'll always have a place in my heart but I never want to experience a love like that again and I wouldn't want anyone else to either.
For seven years he was my world and now he'll my last first love.
All my love
Carries Closet xo
P.S - Comment and tweet me, tell me what your first love was like.
During the last 'on' period of our 'relationship' there's a day and a conversation that I had with my mum that I'll never forget, she's the only person that really witnessed our relationship, the thing she said to me that sticks in my mind every time I think of us, was that she said:
"Is he really worth it, he comes over once and then we never see him again for a while. Why do you bother with him? He seems a waste of time."
All I did was laugh, shrug it off and say:
"Yeah, you don't understand."
Only looking back I see that she's my mum, she knew and she understood. The other time I'll never forget is the day I realised that he didn't love me any more, we were stood in my living room, he was about to leave, he gave me a hug and I looked up at him and looking back on it I now see it but at the time I didn't have a clue or I did, I just chose to not see it. I saw in his eyes that when he looked at me they weren't the same as when I looked at him, there wasn't love not the same kind anyway; I now know that I don't think he ever loved me and for that I feel so stupid.
Realising that he didn't love me didn't happen straight away, when I look back on that day it wasn't the last time I ever spoke to him, that day happened and like I said I didn't see it at first, we continued our cycle for another two or three years before I woke up and realised it, it was like it hit me, I thought back to that day, and then I saw it...
I've moved away from home, I've deleted his number and I haven't seen him in months, moving on hasn't been easy there are days when all I want to do is speak to him, tell him what I've been doing, or I'll see something that I know he'll find funny or I'll see his favourite film on on the tv, I'll just think of him but that's life, those things are going to happen, it won't be easy and it won't happen over night but I promise that it does get easier; the pain and the hurting won't hurt so bad, it'll still be there and it will hurt but it'll be the kind of pain that you can live with, it won't affect you like it did at first.
I know that I'll always love him, he was my first love, something I'll never forget but I know that I'm ready, I'm finally ready for love again whenever it happens and I finally feel like I've got control back. He'll always have a place in my heart but I never want to experience a love like that again and I wouldn't want anyone else to either.
For seven years he was my world and now he'll my last first love.
All my love
Carries Closet xo
P.S - Comment and tweet me, tell me what your first love was like.
No comments:
Post a Comment