Embarressed, Ashamed and Fearful.

Today's world mental health day, a day to raise awareness about mental health.

All my life my mental health has been a struggle, something I've always wanted to open up about and be honest with all of you, all my friends and my family. Today was the first time I felt like it was time, this is something that is so personal to me and is so hard for me to talk about, these are my experiences and my struggles, everyone's are different.

If not today, then when? If not me, then who?

Anxiety and Depression. Where do I even start? Two words that fill me with fear and even now sat here writing this, looking at those two words on the screen have filled my eyes with tears. I feel like a disappointment to everyone, I feel ashamed to even say that I suffer with them everyday. As a child I was always really shy, I'm an only child so I spent everyday on my own. Everyone around me had other siblings, I had no one. I never learnt to share, so I'm sometimes increrdably selfish, I don't know how to open up to anyone, even my parents; honesty is something that doesn't come naturally to me.

As a child no matter where I was or who I was with, I'd hate the thought of  having to socialise with other children. My parents would push me away and tell me to go join in, or they'd tell the other adults

'Oh shes just shy, she'll warm up in a minute'

I remember have this feeling in my tummy, my throat felt funny and I struggled to get my words out. All I wanted to do was scream at them, and run all the way home. I always put that feeling down to nervous or being shy, but as I grew older it only got worse, more intense. Now as a twenty year old adult I still get that same feeling, I now know that its not nerves or shyness. Anxiety is something that effects my everyday life, everyday is a struggle for me. There's not a day where I don't cry for whatever reason, sometimes I know why and others I have to idea at all, there's days I don't leave my bed, most days I don't leave my house; when I do leave it took me a week to build up the courage to go out, it takes me a week to be able to go to the shop that's right at the end of my street.

 

Other days when I don't have a choice and I have to go out, I make someone come with me or I get someone to meet me half way because I'm so anxious. What if something goes wrong? What if I start to panic? When I'm meeting other people or going out with friends or my parents, I make a plan. I go over the plan a thousand times, I have to know every detail, where are we going, who's going to be there, is anyone else coming with us, what time are we leaving and if for any reason we go off plan, I just cant cope with that. I start to panic, inside I start to freak out, my throat goes dry, my lungs tighten, I cry, my palms get sweaty. I try so hard to be spontaneous but most of the time I just can't.

 

Over the years my bed has become my safe place, it's where I've spent most days. Some days I wake up and just can't face leaving it, the thought of leaving it could mean that something really bad will happen. Over the years I've put on this act like, I'm fine and there's nothing wrong; I try so hard to be this happy, jolly person who makes everyone laugh because I don't want them to think that there's anything wrong.

 

There's a year a few years ago that was really tough, I saw a therapist for a few months and she told me to keep a journal, to write down all that was going on in my head. I haven't looked at in months but I'm going to share with you an entry:

 

"They need to stop because I cant do this I mean all of this, the way I cant breath because I'm drowning, I hate that my body has become your canvas because of all the things you've done to me."

These are issues I'm still facing today and they don't get any easier, ever. But speaking out and being able to speak to my friends and family about it defiantly has made it easier, I'd be nothing without them, their love and support has meant the world to me and I'm so thankful to be surrounded by positive people who help me and try to understand me.

When you finally feel ready to get help, know that it will feel like it's getting worse before it starts to get better. Just like a train on track you have to reach the end before you turn around and back; as I'm about to hit the publish button on this post, I'm fearful, embarrassed and ashamed.

#WorldMentalHealthDay

Carrie xo

 Twitter

Instagram

Tumblr 

Facebook

Youtube
Snapchat: cazfeagan

 

 

Dear Carrie,

Right now you fourteen, feeling lost. If I could share with you all I know now, know this:

 

School isn't as bad as you think. Sure it's not an easy ride but you'd give anything to be back a school when your 20, on your last day you will cry and you will be sad. That summer will be a weird one you won't remember much but what you do remember is that the London 2012 Olympics will captivate you, your spend all summer, with one person and your love it. Then they'll lose there selves and start making mistakes, they'll try to make you to join them, like stealing from shops and on that day they ask you to get on the train to go to the shop with them please don't go, your be thankful. Then you won't speak to them for about four years but when you do again years later nothing will have changed, their still be like your best friend, only they'd of grown up and found the right path in the end... Almost. That same summer be prepared to eat a lot of chicken, I mean a lot. 

The following summer (2013) will be the hardest, darkest, scariest time your going to face. It'll kill you... Almost. Your make a new friend who will do everything they can to save you, they'll help you, you won't see it at first but in the end your be thankful for it. Don't be bitter and don't hate then because your regret it, just be gracious and let them leave when they do because without them I wouldn't be here writing you this letter. Your spend the summer abroad with family, your disconnect from everyone and everything; that'll be the best thing you could ever do, It'll give you the chance to free yourself and find yourself.

The winter of the same year your get a call from an unknown number... Answer it. If you do anything please answer it, that will be the start of three months of therapy. It'll open your eyes, your mind and your heart, your learn new things about yourself and the people around you. It won't be easy but I promise you it'll be worth it, my advice for therapy, be open, honest, don't hold back commit whole heartedly... completely. 

March 2013, your take a leap and start a blog. Don't be scared of what anyone else is going to think, don't let what anyone else thinks of you hold you back from doing what you enjoy. Take every opportunity because you don't know if your get another. When it comes to love, don't hold your breath. Your be the only single one in your group for about, forever, but don't stress about it. Instead take the time to enjoy life and be young (because yes as much as you think you are, your not quiet an adult just yet) do things you've never done before, grown as a person, don't go looking for love let love find you. 

 

Autumn 2014 your pack your life up into boxes and move half way across the country to start the next chapter of your life. University, it wont be an easy ride, your struggle, cry (a lot), laugh, stumble out of clubs at 2 o'clock in the morning and lay in your own sick; but don't worry your love every second of it. Your learn so much regards to your degree, your also learn so much about the different people from all walks of life and your learn so much about yourself. Your finally feel like an adult, your freak out a little bit but your figure it out, your still have no idea what you want to do with your life and your change your mind every month but don't worry about it to much, everyone will tell you its normal.

 

Sat here now October 2016, I look back at fourteen year old me with a heavy heart. I don't regret anything but if I knew what I knew now I'd do so many things differently, of course I'd do things differently. The roads a long, bump ride but your learn so much and experience so many things.

 

Be brave, open your heart, speak out and be open minded.

 

Love Carrie

 Twitter

Instagram

Tumblr 

Facebook

Youtube
Snapchat: cazfeagan

 

 

Life: This Is So Important.

Hey pretty,

 

This is a little longer then my normal posts but please stick with me and read to the end, I promise it will be worth it.

 

This year I didn't make any new years resolutions, I just can't make that kind of commitment and if I didn't stick to it I'd only be really disappointed. So instead I had a little peep talk with myself and said

"This year I'm going to take a year to concentrate on me, make sure I'm happy in all aspects of my life. To spend 12 months doing whatever I wanted and making sure I'm making the most out of my life, also to stop worrying about love or worrying about being the only one in my friendship group who isn't in a relationship."

I realised this year, I'm only 20 and not being in a relationship isn't the end of the world, it doesn't mean I'll spend the rest of my life alone. However I was in a place where I was so unhappy with so many things in my life and I couldn't expect someone to love me when I wasn't happy with who I was. I've mentioned this in previous blog posts so I don't want to repeat myself again but I feel that it's such an important message for everyone out there, you don't need a man or a women to make you happy and it wont fix your problems; trust me I've tried.

I feel like I've had so many life changing experiences in my life already and like most I've had my fair share of hard times but this year I changed the way I thought about them and how they affect my life. I know I'm a stubborn, hard faced, guarded cow, but I had a change of heart this year, why look back at them negatively? I cant change them and they've all shaped me into the women I am. When you've had your heart broken, when you've been pushed to your limits, broken as a person, hurt by almost everyone that's walked into your life. You built a thick skin, you build walls and you become a stronger person.

'High maintenance' is a phrase I've been called by so many different people in my life and it's now a label that's been stuck to me, recently it got me thinking, when you look up the word 'high maintenance' on the urban dictionary it states that it's definition is a women who:

 'Has higher than normal expectations; has a greater requirement for affection or attention; has more needs and/or demands and therefore more difficult or challenging.
Doesn't equate to money or material possessions alone but may be needy in emotional attention and affection; picky, bratty, likes things her way, takes pride in her appearance, finicky. Usually very well put together and usually independent therefore requiring a lot out of a man to keep up with her.

"If you have to reassure her through texts email or calls that you're lucky to have her, she's so pretty, etc...- she's a high maintenance woman"'

 

Why is being high maintenance associated as such a negative connotation? We question why so many young girls and women are afraid to be themselves, why they settle for these men or boys that don't appreciate them for all that they are and all that they offer, why do so many girls and women remain in emotionally and/or mentally abusive relationships.

 

What do we expect when were telling them that respecting yourself, thinking highly of yourself, wanting attention from a man is meaning they are being labelled as 'needy', having certain expectations, knowing exactly what you want and not settling for anything less, needing emotional reassurance, likes things a certain way, takes pride in her appearance, a women who's independent. If this makes a women high maintenance, we shouldn't be making her feel ashamed or belittling her, we should be embracing her and celebrating her.

 

I've lost count the amount of times I've been called 'high maintenance', the amount of times I've been made to feel ashamed or embarrassed, the amount of times I've been made to feel so small; all because I know what I want in life, that I have big dreams and I'm not afraid to work hard to achieve them, that I take pride in my appearance, that I want a man to appreciate me and give me affection, that I like things a certain way, that I'm independent and that I don't need a man to shower me with gifts or to help me pay my way because I'm capable of doing that myself, that I have respect myself. If your a  man and you think I'm high maintenance and that you couldn't be with me because you couldn't handle all my 'needs' and my 'attitude', that you think I'm challenging, well I'm sorry but clearly your not the man for me; I feel sorry for you that a strong women threatens you.

 

If these are the reasons why I'm not in a relationship, then I'm so grateful. If me being a strong, independent young women who respects herself and wont settle for anything less then my self worth, means that a man can't handle that then I'm more the happy with being single. I've got to a point in my life where I know that I don't need a man to make happy, that I don't need a man to tell me that my dreams are unrealistic, that I think to highly of myself, that I'm needy just because after all the heart ache I've been through occasionally I need reassuring that you love me, that I make to much effort with my appearance.

 

To the next man I meet, please don't be put off by the fact that I'm too 'high maintenance' because I know, I'm the first to hold my hands up and admit it, but please don't try to make me feel embarrassed or ashamed about it because I don't see it as a bad thing or a threat and if your with me you shouldn't either. Know that I'll never ask you for anything because I can provide for myself, that yes I dream big and have bucket loads of ambition, that I have self respect and don't be threatened by my masses amount of self worth, that I'm a challenge, that I have a bit of an attitude, that sometimes I will need you to reassure me that you actually want to be with me and that you love me and please don't try and make me feel bad about my appearance or how much I spent getting my hair done even if you think it looks no different.

 

A strong 'high maintenance' man doesn't scare me and wouldn't be a reason not date him, so why should a strong 'high maintenance' women scare or put off a man? Be proud of who you are and don't let anyone make you feel bad because they think your 'high maintenance'. Learn to love and accept yourself before you let anyone else, and please don't date someone because its convenient or you think it'll fix everything. there's nothing wrong with being on your own, embrace it and spend that time to work on yourself and grow as a person.

 

All my love

 

Carrie

Carries Closet xo

 Twitter

Instagram

Tumblr 

Facebook

Youtube
Snapchat: cazfeagan

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Lifestyle: #GOMO

Hey Beuaty's,

It's July and it's finally starting to feel like summer, the sun has finally made an appearance. (at least in the UK anyway) Summer for me has always been one I dreaded, every summer for as long as I can remember has always been spent the same, at home, in my room. Something I've always wanted to open up about with you guys is my battle with anxiety, anxiety for me is the devil. For years I've let it control my life and how I live it and I hate it, when I look back at my childhood and my teenage years, it fills me with so much regret and anger, because of my anxiety I never really lived. I don't have many memories of going out with friends and all the amazing experiences and memories that so many people my age have.

Every summer has always been the same for me, being locked up at home on my own, never leaving the house because I allowed anxiety to control my life. My family would always encourage me to go out more and see my friends and I'd just shrug it off and say I liked being on my own, don't get me wrong I still like being on my own and I enjoy my own company for sure but I know the importance of being surrounded by friends and family as well.

 

This year I decided to make a change, I like most people didn't want to make a new years resolution because if I didn't stick to it I'd be really disheartened; however I decided to just make a general one of taking a year to concentrate on me, a year to find myself and make positive changes in all aspects of my life. So this summer I decided to make a change, I didn't want to waste my summer doing nothing and sit at home on my own, I also decided that for the first time in my life I wasn't going to allow anxiety to rule it. This is my last summer before heading out into the big adult world, this time next year I'll have graduated from university and will have to start making grown up decisions about my life. So this summer is so important to me and one I wasn't prepared to waste.

 

I was contacted by a Eventbrite  to get involved in their new campaign to help squash FOMO (fear of missing out) which is something I'm sure we've all experienced, no one wants to ever miss out or miss out on the fun that our friends are having. I knew I had to get involved, anxiety has lead me to experience FOMO for to long, I'm ready to squash FOMO and embrace GOMO (going out more often.)

 

This summer I'm going to embrace every opportunity I get and accept every invite to go wherever I want, already I've got a part time job which gives me a few hours every morning the chance to get up early leave the house and meet new people, it's small but for me it's a massive step. I'm also going to try and hang out with my friends as much as I can, I have a friend that I reconnected with recently who shares the same issues I do and we have a strong bond in the fact that we've both suffered the same things, we made a deal to embrace the summer together and not let our mental health stop us from having the best summer. We've been encouraging each other to go out and have fun, we're going to try and spend a couple of days every week together out doing something weather it's a walk or going to a festival (we're thinking of Reading Festival) or booking a spontaneous weekend away. Every summer me and my group of friends from school have a BBQ were we dedicate one day to just spending time together catching up, eating food and sharing a few alcoholic bevy's; we're all adults now with busy lives so spending the day together makes up for not seeing each other for long periods of time.

 

Summer is the time of year to let your hair down, have fun and just live. No matter how old you are, where you are in the world, join me and embrace every chance you get to GOMO, this is your summer so make the most of it and if your really struggling with ideas on what to do, check out the Eventbrite website for helpful information on fun events going on in your local area.

 

Comment below the fun things you and your friends are planning this summer and follow me on all my social media to see how I'm embracing GOMO, also be sure to follow me on snap chat so you can see all the action as it happens.

 

Say no to FOMO and hello to #GOMO

 

Love Always

 

Carrie

Carries Closet xo

 Twitter

Instagram

Tumblr 

Facebook

Youtube

 

Life: My Firsts #2

Hey Beauty's,

Time for another of my firsts, this week were talking celebrity crushes, CD's, sports teams and concerts.
 

 

First Celeb Crush -

 

Chad Michael Murray from One Tree Hill to Cinderella Story, Chad was my man back in the day.

 

First CD I Brought -

 

S Club or All Saints or Spice Girls, I cant remember which came first.

 

First Sports Team I Supported -

 

Chelsea FC, only because that's the team my granddad supports and now it's just stuck and there my team now too.

 

First Concert -

 

Steps, I'm not sure if this was my first but it's the first one that I can remember. I was obsessed with Steps, I had all the merch and I knew all the dance routines, I remember I had the flannel that they sold where they all kissed it and signed it and I remember when my friends came over I'd get it out and pretend I'd met them and that I was the only one who had one... #Cringe

These were some more of my firsts, share with me in the comments some of yours. Don't forget to follow my blog so you never miss an update and check out my social media's.

Love Always

Carrie
CarriesCloset xo

 Twitter

Instagram

Tumblr 

Facebook

Youtube

Life: My Firsts #1

Hey beauty's, 

I thought it would be really fun to do a little mini series of some of my first, lasts and favourites so that you can get to know me a little better; so here is the first one, I'll be uploading them on odd days here and there throughout the week. 

Movie I saw without my parents -

I don't remember the first one I ever saw but when I was like 15, me and a group of friends went and saw the unborn which was like an 18 we got let in and half our school was there too! but it was so scary that everyone was screaming and we got kicked out half way through! 

First junk food - 

My granddad gave me a frozen mini roll when I was ten months old, does that count?

First sport I played -

I tried playing football once, hated that there were so many boys and that I got dirty so never went back again... #diva Although I did ballet for 13 years. 

First babysitter -

Don't think I ever had one, but I used to stay at my nans a few times a week growing up. 

If there's anything you'd like to ask me, leave a comment or send me them on any of my social media and I'll include them. 

All my love, 

Carrie - Carries Closet xo 

 

 Twitter

Instagram

Tumblr 

Facebook

Youtube

Lifestyle: My Favourite Quotes

Hey Beauty's.

 

 

If you follow my Instagram you'll know that I love a quote, they make me feel inspired and motivated; they also help you express how your feeling or a moment in your life. Below I've create a list of some of my favourite quotes:

'Those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.'

 

 

 

'Don't let the fear of striking out stop you from playing the game.'

 

 

 

'Breakdowns create breakthroughs.'

 

 

'Learn to trust the journey even if you don't understand it.'

 

 

'We cant just run away from who we are.'

 

 

'All our dreams can come true if we have the courage to pursue them.'

 

 

'In order to be old and wise, first we must be young and stupid.'

 

 

'Little girls with dreams become women with visions.'

 

 

'Don't let someone who gave up on their dreams talk you out of yours.'

 

 

'Sometimes you need to step outside, get some air and remind yourself of who you are and who you want to be and sometimes you have to venture outside your world in order to find yourself.'

 

'Your never to old to wish upon a star.'

 

 

'To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest

accomplishment.'

 

'Everything happens for a reason.'

 

 

'Don't make a permanent decision on your temporary feelings.'

 

 

'Tomorrow is another chance.'

 

 

'Everything will be okay in the end, if it's not, it's not the end.'

 

 

'Forgive others not because they deserve forgiveness but because you deserve peace.'

 

 

'Always find time for the things that make you feel happy to be alive.'

 

 

'You are more then the mistakes you've made.'

 

There are so many more out there, from films, songs, books and influential people. I'd love to hear some of your favourite quotes.

 

All my love

 

Carrie - Carries Closet xo

Twitter

Instagram

Tumblr 

Facebook

Youtube