Today's world mental health day, a day to raise awareness about mental health.
All my life my mental health has been a struggle, something I've always wanted to open up about and be honest with all of you, all my friends and my family. Today was the first time I felt like it was time, this is something that is so personal to me and is so hard for me to talk about, these are my experiences and my struggles, everyone's are different.
If not today, then when? If not me, then who?
Anxiety and Depression. Where do I even start? Two words that fill me with fear and even now sat here writing this, looking at those two words on the screen have filled my eyes with tears. I feel like a disappointment to everyone, I feel ashamed to even say that I suffer with them everyday. As a child I was always really shy, I'm an only child so I spent everyday on my own. Everyone around me had other siblings, I had no one. I never learnt to share, so I'm sometimes increrdably selfish, I don't know how to open up to anyone, even my parents; honesty is something that doesn't come naturally to me.
As a child no matter where I was or who I was with, I'd hate the thought of having to socialise with other children. My parents would push me away and tell me to go join in, or they'd tell the other adults
'Oh shes just shy, she'll warm up in a minute'
I remember have this feeling in my tummy, my throat felt funny and I struggled to get my words out. All I wanted to do was scream at them, and run all the way home. I always put that feeling down to nervous or being shy, but as I grew older it only got worse, more intense. Now as a twenty year old adult I still get that same feeling, I now know that its not nerves or shyness. Anxiety is something that effects my everyday life, everyday is a struggle for me. There's not a day where I don't cry for whatever reason, sometimes I know why and others I have to idea at all, there's days I don't leave my bed, most days I don't leave my house; when I do leave it took me a week to build up the courage to go out, it takes me a week to be able to go to the shop that's right at the end of my street.
Other days when I don't have a choice and I have to go out, I make someone come with me or I get someone to meet me half way because I'm so anxious. What if something goes wrong? What if I start to panic? When I'm meeting other people or going out with friends or my parents, I make a plan. I go over the plan a thousand times, I have to know every detail, where are we going, who's going to be there, is anyone else coming with us, what time are we leaving and if for any reason we go off plan, I just cant cope with that. I start to panic, inside I start to freak out, my throat goes dry, my lungs tighten, I cry, my palms get sweaty. I try so hard to be spontaneous but most of the time I just can't.
Over the years my bed has become my safe place, it's where I've spent most days. Some days I wake up and just can't face leaving it, the thought of leaving it could mean that something really bad will happen. Over the years I've put on this act like, I'm fine and there's nothing wrong; I try so hard to be this happy, jolly person who makes everyone laugh because I don't want them to think that there's anything wrong.
There's a year a few years ago that was really tough, I saw a therapist for a few months and she told me to keep a journal, to write down all that was going on in my head. I haven't looked at in months but I'm going to share with you an entry:
"They need to stop because I cant do this I mean all of this, the way I cant breath because I'm drowning, I hate that my body has become your canvas because of all the things you've done to me."
These are issues I'm still facing today and they don't get any easier, ever. But speaking out and being able to speak to my friends and family about it defiantly has made it easier, I'd be nothing without them, their love and support has meant the world to me and I'm so thankful to be surrounded by positive people who help me and try to understand me.
When you finally feel ready to get help, know that it will feel like it's getting worse before it starts to get better. Just like a train on track you have to reach the end before you turn around and back; as I'm about to hit the publish button on this post, I'm fearful, embarrassed and ashamed.
#WorldMentalHealthDay
Carrie xo
