Dear Mum.

Hey Beautiful People, 

This week as it's Mothers day, I've decided to dedicate this post to my mum. I want to share with you the journey that we've had together, some of the things we've done together but mostly to tell her the things I find so hard to share with her - so this ones for you mum. 

Dear Mum, 

There have been so many things we've been through and so many things I've wanted to say to you, I've just never known how. I'm hoping by writing this your see just how thankful I am for everything you do, have done and continue to do for me. 

For so long growing up you hid who you really was, you hid your sexuality for so long that I can only imagine how that felt and how hard that was for you. You lived a life that was a lie for so long, that it wasn't till I was little that somehow you found the courage and strength to finally be who you've always wanted to be and who you always knew you was. We've never truly spoken about this but I want you to know that because of this I've never been more proud of you and I've never loved you more then I did then, looking back at this time in yours and our lives, I don't really remember this part in our lives very clearly but on the things that I do remember, I want you to know that I don't ever blame your for the divorce, I feel that at times I became the 'devil child' a lot but I think it was because I didn't really understand what was going on and how to cope with it at the time. Now that I've grown up and I've learned so much about life, I understand it and my actions at the time a lot more and I now want to apologise for them. 

You always encouraged me to be who I was and to never be afraid of who I really am and I think that's because you did for so long, and for this lesson I thank you so much - for so long and at different stages in my life I was afraid to be who I am and I hid so much from you and so many people, but I look back at you and everything you've been through and know that if you can get through it and find strength to do so, then I can too. 

I also want to say, whatever it was that gave you the courage and the strength to finally be who you really was I want to thank them/it, because it gave you another chance at life; for you to finally find happiness, I always look back at the times we've shared and the things we've done or been through and see how happy you've been. I wonder how different things might have been if you never took that step to true self happiness and worry that if you hadn't you would never be happy because all I want for you is to be happy, to be loved and to enjoy life - things that I know you have done, since coming out. 

I want to thank you for the everything that you do and have done for me over the past 18 years, we've never be extremely close but you always know/knew what to do to cheer me up when I'm feeling sad or I've had a bad day or when I'm not well and I guess that's what happens when you become a mum but I've never told you how much I truly appreciate it. Your stupid dancing, your rubbish jokes, you cooking my favourite food and your mummy hugs that I crave so much right now - I never told you how much I love them and these things and how much I appreciate them, but I hope that you now know just how much I do; when I tell you to stop doing stupid dances or telling awful not funny jokes, I don't always mean it, I sometimes even secretly love them all. 

I also want to thank you for everything else that you've done for me, you never let me go without, anything that I've wanted you've always tried so hard to get for me and I am truly grateful for. You worked so hard growing up, staying at work late, working weekends, working night shifts; sometimes I do feel that maybe this is something that affected our relationship and maybe it does have a part to play in why we've never been really close but I don't hate it because it meant that you could always provide for me and gave us a home. I also don't hate it because it was a job that you love so much and one I know broke your heart when you had to leave, because I could see it in your eyes how much it hurt you. It's a job that has made me so proud of you, your my mum but I shared you with so many amazing children that never had a mum and for that I don't mind sharing you at all- because at the end of the day you always came home to me. 

Something I've wanted to thank you for, for so long now is for what you did for me nearly two years ago. I was going through such a hard time and I've never really spoken to you or anyone about but, as I'm getting older now, I'm seeing how important it is to speak out and openly about it. But I want to say the biggest thank you to you for the love you gave me throughout this time, it was exceptionally hard for the both of us I know and one day I will open up to you and to everyone else readings this eventually about but to you mum, I will forever thank you for the help and the strength you gave me in the darkest time in my life, I'll never be able to repay you but I want you to know that, I understand how hard that summer was for the both us and how hard it was for you as a mother to watch me go through that, that at that time I hated everything and everyone so much; I'm so sorry I put you through that but I love you so much more for giving me hope and strength when I thought I'd lost everything. 

When I fell in love for the first time, I lost myself in some else, I lost everything about myself. I lost who I was as a person, everything I wanted to be and everything I stood for. I had no one else to turn to because it was a love that no one my age understood and somehow I found what I was looking for, I found the answer I so desperately needed at the time in you. You was the only person who truly witnessed my first love and for so long you let me live it, maybe because you knew that it was something I had to go through, in order to learn an important lesson. You saw the rawness and the realness of such a difficult love in such young people for so long, you saw the pain that I was in, you never said a word about it for such a long time that when you did, it changed everything for me, I finally saw what you did. You kept quiet for so long and only spoke up when you knew that I couldn't put up with it any more and that's what I want to thank you for, for giving me the chance to make my own mistakes because eventually I'd learn from them, you aloud me to grow as a person and picked me up when I truly knew and needed you; so thank you so much for that. 

I want to thank you for all the things you've taught me over the years, silently you've taught me so much that I know now thanks to you and you don't even realise just how much you've done for me. Your a mum, I know we all think that because of that, these lessons and the love is something you have to do but I think we know so much more about families and life that we know that really don't have to, you do it because you want to- for that I want to thank you, you didn't have to love me and you didn't have to stand by me through all the mistakes I've made but you have and I'm forever grateful for that. 

I know I haven't always been easy on you and I'm so sorry for that, I want you to know that, that is one of my biggest mistakes I've made. I know that I haven't always been the nicest either and I'm so so so sorry for that but I think all the mistakes I have made, have been a huge lesson for me. 

You inspire me in so many different ways, you inspire my heart and if I can ever love the way you do, I'll forever be happy. You inspire me to live my life to the fullest, you've shown me and taught me so much about the world and the people we share it with that I want to see it and experience it for myself someday. You inspire me to be happy everyday, to wake up and be grateful that I'm here because so many aren't, to appreciate life and love it. You inspire me to want a family as, difficult, experience in every aspect of life, to love each other as much as we do; you inspire me to be a mother one day and to be one as amazing, beautiful and cleaver as you. 

Lastly I want to say thank you, I'm sorry, I love you and I miss you. 

I love you forever and always, 

Your Carrie 

xxxxxxx
xxxxx
xxx
xx
x 



Happy Mothers Day to all the beautiful amazing mums out their, tell your mum how much you love them, thank them for everything they've done for you and will continue to do for you. 

All my love 

Carries Closet xo 

Twitter

Instagram

Tumblr 

Facebook

Youtube 

Last First Love.

Hey beautiful people, 

So not just over the past few months but coming up to a year now I've been moving on from the first love of my life. This is something all of us one day have to do and it's not easy, nor is a just a first love - it's a bumpy ride but one that changes and shapes us for our next. 

My first love is one that taught me so much, it's one I'll never forget and one I don't ever want to experience again; so here is the story to my last first love... 

I met him around 8 years ago now during my first year of high school; we were in some of the same classes and for a year we developed a close friendship. Then we developed stronger feelings for each other but it wasn't like the movies that we all love, it was rocky, emotionally and mentally draining at times- it was difficult. I'm not going to go into specifics but it was a relationship that I wouldn't wish on anyone, it destroyed me. He tore me apart and ruined everything that I stood for and slowly I became a girl that I had always said I didn't want to be. I became the girl that let a guy walk all over me, I worshipped the ground he walked on and I was completely and utterly in love with him - so much so that it took me seven years to realise what he had done to me.  

So for seven years we were on and off and on and off again with each other, it was like a constant cycle that I slowly started to find myself trapped in. It was like he was all I could see and all that I wanted, I was willing to do everything and anything to make this 'relationship' work. For a period of time I felt like I was his dirty little secrete, he didn't want anyone to know about us, so we wasn't aloud to tell anyone. In those times it was even harder, I couldn't go to my best friend openly talk to her about it and growing up that was such a hard thing to keep to myself, there are countless times when I almost slipped up. In the times that I was in fact his dirty little secrete, I hated as anyone would and as you could only imagine, those were the toughest of times - it made me feel like he was embarrassed of me and that there were things about me that he didn't like, growing up and becoming a teenager that really affected me in everything that I did; it made me expectationally insecure and something I'm only just getting over. 

The other thing that really had an effect on me was the fact that he'd say things that weren't nice at all but he'd pass them of as just a 'joke' only to me they weren't funny, that just added to my insecurities and only confirmed everything that I was thinking in my head; that he didn't like me, that I wasn't good enough, that no matter what I did - I never would be good enough. Although this was happening I still was completely in love with him, I couldn't help it, it was like he was my drug and I was addicted to every part of him and everything he said or did to me. 

During the last 'on' period of our 'relationship' there's a day and a conversation that I had with my mum that I'll never forget, she's the only person that really witnessed our relationship, the thing she said to me that sticks in my mind every time I think of us, was that she said:

 "Is he really worth it, he comes over once and then we never see him again for a while. Why do you bother with him? He seems a waste of time." 

All I did was laugh, shrug it off and say: 

"Yeah, you don't understand." 

Only looking back I see that she's my mum, she knew and she understood. The other time I'll never forget is the day I realised that he didn't love me any more, we were stood in my living room, he was about to leave, he gave me a hug and I looked up at him and looking back on it I now see it but at the time I didn't have a clue or I did, I just chose to not see it. I saw in his eyes that when he looked at me they weren't the same as when I looked at him, there wasn't love not the same kind anyway; I now know that I don't think he ever loved me and for that I feel so stupid. 

Realising that he didn't love me didn't happen straight away, when I look back on that day it wasn't the last time I ever spoke to him, that day happened and like I said I didn't see it at first, we continued our cycle for another two or three years before I woke up and realised it, it was like it hit me, I thought back to that day, and then I saw it... 

I've moved away from home, I've deleted his number and I haven't seen him in months, moving on hasn't been easy there are days when all I want to do is speak to him, tell him what I've been doing, or I'll see something that I know he'll find funny or I'll see his favourite film on on the tv, I'll just think of him but that's life, those things are going to happen, it won't be easy and it won't happen over night but I promise that it does get easier; the pain and the hurting won't hurt so bad, it'll still be there and it will hurt but it'll be the kind of pain that you can live with, it won't affect you like it did at first. 

I know that I'll always love him, he was my first love, something I'll never forget but I know that I'm ready, I'm finally ready for love again whenever it happens and I finally feel like I've got control back. He'll always have a place in my heart but I never want to experience a love like that again and I wouldn't want anyone else to either. 

For seven years he was my world and now he'll my last first love. 

All my love 

Carries Closet xo 

P.S - Comment and tweet me, tell me what your first love was like. 

Twitter

Instagram

Tumblr 

Facebook

Youtube 

The Start To An Open & Honest Future.

Hey all you beautiful people, 

I hope your all still out there, I first want to start of by saying how sorry I am that the last time I posted was on the 10th August. But I want you to know that in my absence I've been doing something amazing and that I've started a new journey in my life; very much like almost two years ago when I took sometime out of blogging. 

I finally feel like I'm ready to share with you what it is that I've been doing that's kept me away from you all for so long now, I promised myself that I was going to be more open and honest with you this year - one of the last posts that I wrote I shared with you who 'CarriesClosetxo' was and that I hoped one day to share with you who 'Carrie' as a person was, this year I plan to do that. 

In the months that I've been away I've experienced things that I hadn't since my parents got divorced, the emotions and the feelings. I think I'm starting to become a bit of an expert when it comes to broken families, so I want to share with you all and let you all know that what your feeling and what your going through, that unfortunately your not alone and now days it seems so many of us are becoming children of parents that have forgotten the true meaning of love and why they fell in love in the first place - it seems that no one's willing to fight any more. 

Also your find that no matter how old you get and even if your now seen as an adult in the eyes of the law your parents will still continue to sugar coat things just like when your a kid. In the coming weeks I'm going to share with you everything I've learned in the past months, I'll go in to detail with my own life and share with you my tried and tested tips to remaining sane in a situation around you that feels completely insane. 

Again I'm so sorry that I've left you waiting all this time to hear from me, I promise your hear from me soon. 

All my love 

Carries Closet xo 

Twitter

Instagram

Tumblr 

Facebook

Youtube

New Video!

I've uploaded a new video over on my youtube channel, http://youtu.be/iBsXtm9P_Hg make sure you go check it out!

Love

Carries Closet xo

Who is CarriesClosetxo?

CarriesClosetxo, Who is she? A question I'm sure you've asked yourself. Who am I? A question I've asked myself on many occasions, so what would I answer if you asked me, what would I honestly answer if I really asked myself? 

Well I'm Carrie Feagan, 18 from a small town in Essex, England; my love for fashion started at a young age like any young girl I'd dress up in clothes from my mums wardrobe and steal her make-up- but the day that I really feel in love with fashion is a day I'll never forget.

My Nan had always been a big influence in my life, I like to think that she helped raise me- after my parents got divorced, I'd often stay the night at my grandparents house throughout the week when my mum worked the night sift at work and as my dad was a scaffolder it meant he had an early start in the mornings and me staying there wasn't convenient. 

But the one day when my life would change forever- whether I knew or realized at the time or not, looking back I now know that that was in fact the day my life changed forever, you see my nan had this room- she called it the 'Dressing Room'; I walked into the dressing room one day and stood in the doorway looking in and it was on this particular day that I chose to really take in everything in that room, the masses of clothes that where hung on one wall, the boxes on shelves above the clothes that contained hats, bag and probably the odd shoe here and there- the clothes neatly folded into draws, the dressing table that contained masses of beauty products "something for everything, each do something different to keep you looking young" my nan would often tell me when I questioned her why she had so many pots of the same white cream. So on this day standing there really taking it all in, I made a decisions that I one day wanted to own a room just like this one- I'd always thought that my Nan looked amazing in whatever she wore and I wanted to be like that one day. 

Only now roughly 10 years later do I realise how much of an impact that day had on my life. In February of last year it got to the time in my life where I had to make a decision that would change and impact my life forever, I had to decide what I was going to do once I'd finished my A-Levels, was I going to go to University or get a job? Only there was one problem I didn't know what I'd study if I was to go to uni and I didn't know what I wanted to do if I was to get a job- so I found myself stuck with a massive decision to make and not only was it a massive thing to do it was scary too. 

I'd like anyone changed my mind constantly on what I wanted to do with my life, but a few years prior to this whilst in high school, I had thought about being a fashion designer- only I hadn't actually taken the right subjects to allow me to do that. So now with this massive, scary decision to make I thought back to this time, this was the one thing that had been stuck at the back of my mind for years, so I did some research into other areas within the fashion industry that could appeal to me- that's where I stumbled across a course 'Writing Fashion and Culture' a course that I took a liking to, only I didn't know if I was going to enjoy it because I didn't have any experience and I'd never actually wrote anything to do with fashion? On top of that I didn't know if i'd actually be a good writer- although I enjoyed writing it doesn't always mean your good at it and seeing as I was re-taking my English exam as I hadn't passed in year 11, I was left extremely confused. 

But it wasn't until I remembered someone that had not only boosted my confidence but taught me a lot of what I know now, the one teacher who when I left high school had impacted my life in a way that I now am incredibly grateful for and who probably doesn't even realise the impact she left on me. My English teacher from year 11, in a year she took me from a very bad G grade to five marks of a C- she helped me in all areas I was struggling in and who was the only person to believe in me when I truthfully had given up on myself, she taught me that in life there will be things that you struggle at but it doesn't mean your not good at them. She boosted my confidence and made me realise that the thing i'd been struggling with for years was something that I became to love and enjoy- it was the only lesson that I'd look forward to. Without her I don't know where I'd been now, she inspired me and even now continues to influence me, when I find something hard I think back to the many lessons with her and remember that not everything's easy but if you really want something work hard for it and your get it in the end. 

So with that in mind I decided to combine the two things that left a huge impact on my life, fashion and writing- Now knowing what it was I wanted to do and that I could maybe make it on to the course that I'd been left thinking about for a while, I decided that University was what I was going to do after my A-Levels. It was all good that I'd made that decision but it didn't mean I had any experience in it, so I did the one thing I had thought about for a while I decided to write a blog- a scary concept I'll be honest, the fact that someone might actually find it and read it terrified me but I didn't think about that because I wasn't going to write it for anyone but myself; this blog was for me, for me to see if it could be something I could do for the rest of my life - and then CarriesClosetxo was born. 

As the weeks went on I started to realise that not only was I enjoying it but so were a lot of other people from other countries, the page views started to go up and I began realise that I no longer was doing this for myself that I was doing this for all of you. I didn't know why I was so worried about someone finding it or someone that I knew finding because I loved what I was doing and it seemed like so did it everyone else, I didn't care if someone I knew found it- it suddenly didn't bother me, I was too happy to even think about it. 

Now a year and 5 months later and I've just reached over 3,ooo page views. I can't believe that something I started just for myself has received such an amazing response not just buy people I know but by so many people I don't, in countries I couldn't imagine, from all corners of the world; now I know that this thing I'm doing is absolutely what I want to do for the rest of my life, I can't imagine myself doing anything else. 

So who is CarriesClosetxo? Who am i? Well I'm a successful international blogger (got to blow your own trumpet sometimes) that will continue to blog for the rest of my life, only along the way I'll make it my job and hopefully one day I'll influence or inspire some of you. Just know that at some point in your life your remember a day, a day that you might not know now will change your life and when you find that day, don't let go of it, remember exactly how you felt and cherish it forever- because it's a day that will influence the person your going to be. 

So that's who CarriesClosetxo is but who is Carrie Feagan, well that's a long story that one day I'll share with you but for now this is exactly who online blogger Carrie is. 

Always remember that not everything's easy but if you really want something work hard for it and your get it in the end. 

Lots of Love 

CarriesCloset xo 

P.S I just wanted to say a massive THANK YOU to all of you for continuing to support me and my blog, without any of you I wouldn't be able to do this. Reaching 3,000 page views is such an overwhelming feeling know that over 3,000 people like what I write and I hope that one day I'll be able to meet you and thank you in person for all that you've done for me without you I wouldn't be here- I love you and thank you again! 

xxx. 

Twitter
Instagram
Tumblr 
Facebook
Youtube

New Video!

I've started my channel again so head over to www.youtube.com/CarriesClosetxo and make sure you like and subscribe; tenure will be a new video every friday! 

Lots of Love 

Carries Closet xo 

New Video!

I've started my channel again so head over to www.youtube.com/CarriesClosetxo and make sure you like and subscribe; tenure will be a new video every friday! 

Lots of Love 

Carries Closet xo